This is an official list and is not open to question…
1. Trees
Trees are all very well but they don’t tend to contain songs called ‘UMBRELLA’. We said that ‘Umbrella’ was good ages ago and, to our credit, we were right. Let’s bang on about how right we were about ‘Umbrella’ and ignore all the terrible, success-free and completely unlistenable music championed by Popjustice over the years.
2. Air
Air is good for you but if you hyperventilate it is bad for you. It’s swings and roundabouts. There is no such thing as too much of the new Rihanna album because there are only twelve songs on it – ie it’s the perfect length for an album. There are also NO interludes. Amazing.
3. The internal combustion engine
The internal combustion engine is fairly useful but you wouldn’t want to put the sound of it on your iPod.
4. Dogs
If you can show us a dog which builds on the reggae-pop promise of ‘Pon De Replay’ with a distinctive and easily-pinpointable sonic definition of ‘Rihanna as an artist’, thus proving that she is a popstar and is more than a faceless session singer who got lucky, then go right ahead. We are confident that no such dog exists. But there is an album which does that job and that album is this album.
5. Arriving home after an evening of binge drinking to discover that instead of there being no interesting food in the house there is in fact a frozen pizza waiting to be badly cooked and then eaten
Finding a frozen pizza in the freezer when drunk inevitably ends up with the pizza being on fire because you fell asleep two minutes after you put it in the oven. You would not put ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ in the oven in the first place, thus minimising any risk of a blaze.
6. Electricity
If you piss on an electric fence you will cause yourself some damage. Pissing on the new Rihanna album will result in no such injury.
7. The ability to see
The only reason people are hung up on the whole ‘sight’ business is that there are too few interesting things to listen to. However, there are twelve interesting things to listen to on the new Rihanna album, making blindness slightly less unappealing.
8. Cats
Same reason as dogs except smaller.
9. Almost every other album released this year
We can only think of one album we’ve heard this year which is anywhere near as good as this and the way things are going we’d be surprised if that ends up being released, meaning ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ wins.
10. Everything on the internet
The internet does have some amazing things on it but because the things on the internet are not ALL about Rihanna — some websites are about fish, others are about computer games and so on — the Rihanna Percentage of the internet is quite low, whereas the Rihanna Percentage of this album is roughly 100%.
11. The last Rihanna album
This album has ten more than two good songs on it.
12. Trains
We’re not saying trains are bad or anything – we’re just saying they’re not as amazing as the Michael Jackson-sampling ‘DON’T STOP THE MUSIC’, track three on the new Rihanna album. What makes ‘Don’t Stop The Music’ so incredible is that it sounds like the world’s first electro‑R&B‑filter-house track, and if it is not the first then we would like someone to email us now with the info because we’d like to hear a million other songs like this.
13. Christmas Eve
The new Rihanna album doesn’t require you to run around town like an idiot buying presents for people you don’t know or like.
14. Christmas Day
Unlike Christmas, the new Rihanna album is not a complete anticlimax and is, in fact, a lot better than you thought it was going to be.
15. Boxing Day
On Boxing Day one traditionally begins considering the previous twelve months and how terrible they have been. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ prompts no such depression and is, in fact, quite a cheery listen. Hoorah.
16. Vegetables
One in every twelve vegetables is disgusting. One in every twelve songs on the Rihanna album is not, meaning that ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ wins HANDS DOWN.
17. You would expect it to be
Even on the basis of ‘Umbrella’ you’d have no idea how good this album really is. It’s a complete surprise and pop music is all about surprises.
18. Mobile phones
You would never drop ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ down the toilet, because there would be no reason for you to have ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ with you in the toilet in the first place. Unless, we suppose, it was on your iPod. But still.
19. Ceilings
Ceilings are boring unless you get some fancy-pants artist in to paint them for you like that place in the Vatican City. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ is never boring – there’s even something interesting to listen to in each of the ballads. Fancy that!
20. Doorbells
Doorbells are fine but you can’t imagine someone writing, producing, singing or recording what is essentially the new ‘Maneater’ and the whole thing sounding like a doorbell. If someone were to invent the new ‘Maneater’ it would instead sound like woman-scorned anthem ‘BREAKIN’ DISHES’ from the new Rihanna album. It’s got everything – brilliant “I don’t know you who think I am am am am am am am” chants, a chorus which goes “I’m breaking dishes on your head all night, uh huh, I ain’t gonna stop til I see police and lights”, and another catchy bit in the shape of “a man, a man, a ma-e-a-a-an”. Finally, a light-hearted and danceable take on domestic abuse.
21. Desks
You can put the Rihanna album on your desk, but you cannot put a desk on the Rihanna album. Right? Right.
22. The rare sight of a sheep sprinting across a field and jumping over a small stream
Jay‑Z has never gone on record admitting to any involvement with sheep jumping over small streams.
23. Cars
Cars are useful but what if you were to combine cars with the medium of popular song? Well, if you were to do that you would have ‘SHUT UP AND DRIVE’ from the new Rihanna album. Rihanna sings things like “my engine’s ready to explode-splode-splode so start me up and watch me go”, so we think it’s more likely to be about sexual intercourse than actual cars.
24. The old Lisa scott-Lee doll which is in a box in your loft
‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ will never be boxed up and forgotten.
25. Vacuum cleaners
The new Rihanna album doesn’t need emptying.
26. Jaffa cakes
Everyone likes a Jaffa Cake but, unlike ‘Don’t Stop The Music’, Jaffa Cakes have NOTHING to do with picking up boys on dancefloors with hilarious chat-up lines like “your aura is incredible”. “I wanna take you away,” she sings. Someone needs to tell Rihanna that men are not things you order over the counter at your local Chinese restaurant and that to treat them at such is very demeaning.
27. Beaches
The new Rihanna album will not be responsible for particles of sand falling out of bodily crevices for three days.
28. The sight of a small child throwing themselves on the floor in the supermarket because they are not allowed a Kinder Surprise
The child’s performance will be over as soon as its mother (or father — it’s the 21st century!) eventually gives in, which is usually within three minutes. The Rihanna album is far longer than three minutes and therefore represents far better value for money, or something.
29. Spectacles
Serial killers wear spectacles, the new Rihanna album does not.
30. A smiling old lady
The new Rihanna album is unlikely to suddenly blurt out a stream of racist and homophobic abuse.
31. A buffet
Everyone likes a buffet. That is fact. But buffets do not contain numerous extended metaphors and the new Rihanna album is bloody full of them.
32. The last Beyonce album
The best bit on ‘B‑Day’ was ‘Ring The Alarm’, and ‘Breakin’ Dishes’ is the same song PLUS ‘Maneater’. Something with ‘Maneater’ in it is always better than something without ‘Maneater’ in it.
33. All religion
Oh yes.
34. Anything you can buy from a branch of Argos
Argos does not sell CDs, will therefore not be selling ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’, and as a result its entire catalogue is full of items less good than the new Rihanna album.
35. Pop tarts
You do not have to put ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ into a toaster to make it palatable.
36. Skimmed milk
It might be good for you but skimmed milk, being entirely silent, doesn’t sound like the Rihanna album track ‘SAY IT’, which has a sort of weirdo backwards backing track and is the nearest this new album has to a conventional R&B mid-tempo waily ballad. It’s not boring. Nor is it completely interesting, but neither is skimmed milk, unless you chuck some Nesquick in it, and that would probably undo all the healthy good work of the whole ‘skimmed’ angle.
37. Reggae Reggae Sauce
Reggae Reggae Sauce goes off only five days after being opened. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ will be amazing for more than five days and will in fact probably end the year as one of the world’s biggest-selling albums.
38. An episode of Coronation Street
This is no criticism of Corrie per se but if you look at the writing and production credits at the end of your average episode you’re unlikely to find Timbaland, Ne-Yo or Stargate listed ANYWHERE.
39. The last Christina album
‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ sounds like it was recorded in 2007, not 1927.
40. The new Kelly Clarkson album, probably
You can’t imagine Rihanna stomping around refusing to record brilliant pop songs in favour of some old tripe she’s copied out of some terrible diary entries from seventh grade.
41. The new Amerie album
It’s sad but it’s true. This Rihanna album shits from a great height all over the Amerie album. In fact we will probably never listen to the new Amerie album ever again, such is the power with which ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ has completely blown it out of the water. Well, we might listen to ‘Crush’ every now and again we suppose.
42. Gardening
Gardening doesn’t have the same name as an Amy Winehouse song, unlike ‘REHAB’ on the Rihanna album. Is it a cover of the Amy Winehouse song? No no no. It is about “my lover and my best friend all wrapped into one with a ribbon on it”. So it is about sort of being addicted to somebody. Unless Rihanna is singing about crystal meth.
43. The Olympics
The Olympics is all about showing off. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ – despite all the bells and whistles – sounds comfortable in itself with a self-confidence which negates any need to show off.
44. Football
Only men and lesbians enjoy football. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ has far broader appeal.
45. The concept of higher education
Going to university is all very well and will teach you many things but will your three years of debt and depression include a duet with Ne-Yo? No, they probably will not. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ does however include just such a duet – it’s called ‘HATE THAT I LOVE YOU’ and despite being a ballad is a real cracker. For the chorus, Rihanna sings “I hate how much I love you boy, I can’t stand how much I need you, I hate how much I love you boy, but I just can’t let you go, and I hate that I love you so”, and then Ne-Yo sings it back to her. Changing the boy bits for girl, obviously. It’s not gay or anything. It ends in a slightly drippy mess but if they have to release a ballad off this album then it might as well be this.
46. Seeing someone almost trip over in the street then pretending they meant to do it with some sort of elaborate and completely unconvincing cover-up
Satisfying as it is to see someone almost trip over, there is no guilt about enjoying the new Rihanna album. It’s fun and it’s pop but it is also CREDIBLE and PROPER, meaning that your The View-loving older brother might admit to liking one or two songs on it.
47. Snow
It has to be cold for snow to happen, meaning that snow is impractical in the summer months. The Rihanna album, however, is VERY summery.
48. Anything The Twang have ever and will ever record even if they live to be a million years old
Obviously.
49. ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon
People think John Lennon’s some sort of lyrical genius but did he ever – EVER – come up with this line – from ‘Breakin’ Dishes – “I’m roasting marshmallows on the fire and what I’m burning is your attire”? No he did not.
50. Anything which will inevitably be voted above it in the Q magazine end-of-year poll
Because all Q ever do it those interminable ‘Top 100’ lists and everyone knows that Top 100 lists are a complete copout.
51. Haircuts
Haircuts are driven by fashion and date quickly. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ will still sound like The Future in the year 2133.
52. Making pancakes
Having no eggs in the house will not prevent you enjoying the new Rihanna album.
53. Having a comedy hooter on your desk and honking it when something amusing happens in the office
Only 33% of people in PJ Towers think that the above is as amazing as we do, but 66% think the new Rihanna album is great.
54. iPods
There is no point in being able to carry 8,000 songs in your pocket if you are only ever going to listen to the twelve songs on the Rihanna album between now and the day you die.
55. Fortune tellers
Because “fortune teller-eller-eller” doesn’t sounds as good as “um-ber-ella-ella-ella”.
56. Ben Hur
Fair enough, it’s a cinematic classic. But could you dance to Ben Hur? Of course you couldn’t. You could try but you’d be very disappointed. This means it’s officially less good than ‘PUSH UP ON ME’, which is track two on Rihanna’s ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’. ‘Push Up On Me’ is a sort of bootybouncing pop banger which sounds like it’s based around a sample of the metallic intro noise from the start of Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It’ but probably isn’t.
57. Gravel
Fine for a driveway but no good in a CD player.
58. Going on holiday
Going on holiday is incredibly time consuming – unlike ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ which only takes up three quarters of an hour of your time.
59. Scotland
Scotland never sampled Soft Cell on its last album and is therefore unlikely ever to follow up that album with an album as good as ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’.
60. Camping
If you go camping you WILL wake up in the middle of the night to the ominous sound of 200 enraged cows charging towards your flimsy tent. You would be far better off having a listen to a song about shagging, like Rihanna’s ‘Push Up On Me’. It’s one of the best songs on the album, its chorus a cheery cry of “the way that you stare starts a fire in me, come up to my room you sexy little thing”. Amazing.
61. Every summer festival in the UK and abroad
There is no hint of Snow Patrol or Razorlight on the new Rihanna album.
62. Tap dancing
Tap dancing sounds like twats in stupid shoes. ‘SELL ME CANDY’ on the new Rihanna LP sounds like one of the best songs on the Timbaland album.
63. Every song in the Eurovision Song Contest for the last eight years
That is right, readers. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ is even better than the Scooch song.
64. Seeing a traffic warden receiving ‘a mouthful’ from someone who knows full well they were illegally parked but is hellbent on having an argument to the contrary nonetheless
If you live in London you see a traffic warden altercation twice a day. But you only get one or two albums this good every year. Meaning that ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ is better.
65. Hair straighteners
The new Rihanna album is not the sole reason for the success of the boyband Blue.
66. Shower curtains
Shower curtains do not stop you falling out of the bath when you reach out to steady yourself. In fact they mean that you land on the bathroom floor covered in shower curtain. The new Rihanna album would never let you down like that because the new Rihanna album is SOLID and DEPENDABLE.
67. Disco glitterballs
Glitterballs might work quite well in a nitespot environment but they do not work as impassioned pleas to treat young girls properly in case they go off the rails. The title track from ‘GOOD GIRL GONE BAD’ does do this, however. It’s a big old ballad (but it’s really good) and its chorus changes gear halfway through before exploding into a cry of “you’d better learn how to treat us right, cos once a good girl goes bad we gone forever”. God help the mister who comes between Rihanna and her sisters, eh viewers?
68. Battlestar Galactica
Battlestar Galactica is amazing but at least the new Rihanna album won’t hit you over the head with stuff about ‘politics’ and ‘the real world’ when all you want to do is watch a load of robots being blown up by fit people. Which is not to say that ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ doesn’t have a social conscience, because it probably does, somewhere or other.
69. Staying out quite late at night with your friends
‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ won’t give you a hangover. Although it might get you a bit drunk if you play the ‘shot of tequila every time you hear a good song’ drinking game, because you would end up knocking back twelve shots in 46 minutes.
70. Staying in quite late at night with your friends
You don’t need to kick ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ out at 3am, or find it a taxi.
71. Parties
For every twelve people at a party, two are always annoying and rubbish. None of the twelve songs on ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ are annoying or rubbish, making the Rihanna album officially better than parties.
72. Poppers
Every song on ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ lasts for longer than 42 seconds.
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3. Party poppers
The Rihanna album doesn’t end in tears when some pillock explodes it into someone’s face and everybody has to go to the nearest hospital because Auntie Kathy has got paper streamers and gunpowder stuck in her right eye socket.
74. Peeling the plastic film off the screen of a new mobile phone
Always ends in tears when you end up having a huge row with O2 about the fact that the phone doesn’t work. The new Rihanna album will not require anyone to spend eighty minutes being put on hold by the most useless telecommunications company in the history of useless telecommunications companies.
75. Bitter
The worst drink in the world. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ isn’t even a drink, so it wins. Also – on a serious note, readers – the concept of ‘bitter’ as a drink does not take in Serious Issues like body dysmorphia or whatever it is the Rihanna song ‘QUESTION EXISTING’ is actually about. The first line is “take off my shirt, loosen my buttons and undo my skirt, stare at myself in the mirror, take myself apart piece by piece” so it’s probably about something like that.
76. Paper
What’s paper ever done for the world? Exactly.
77. The postman
‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ represents Rihanna’s maturing voice but it is never nasty, unlike some members of the so-called ‘postal service’ who spend more time stealing, rifling through and pooing in envelopes than they do delivering them.
78. Getting quite a good grade for an essay you knocked out in fifty minutes while coming down from a four-day-long drugs binge
Unlike the experience mentioned above, the new Rihanna album won’t be tricky to explain to your parents. They will actually really like bits of it.
79. Getting the biggest bedroom in the house
Big bedrooms require more cleaning than small bedrooms, meaning that your initial excitement eventually gives way to disappointment. No such problems with the Rihanna album.
80. Painting a wall
The Rihanna album doesn’t get paint in your hair.
81. Receiving an email intended for someone else followed by a lame attempt by the sender to ‘recall’ the message in Outlook which doesn’t work and just adds to the hilarity of the whole thing
Receiving such an email is fun, but will never be as amazingly brilliant as the title track on ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’.
82. Fireworks
Due to busybody killjoys and political correctness gone mad you won’t get fireworks at Club Popjustice, but you will get ‘Don’t Stop The Music’, ‘Shut Up And Drive’ and a few other ones from the Rihanna album.
83. Instant barbeques
So-called ‘instant’ barbeques take ages to get going but ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ does not – it kicks off with ‘Umbrella’ which is actually very instant indeed.
84. Shelves
You can’t put up shelves in rented accommodation but you can listen to the Rihanna album wherever you live, making it perfect for students.
85. Bathroom radios in the shape of dolphins which don’t really get any reception and take three batteries when you only ever have two lying around because you bought a packet of four batteries and EVERYTHING ELSE EVER INVENTED uses two batteries
The above-mentioned radios are frustrating but ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ is not – it’s a really easy listen. It’s also a really complex listen if you want it to be. It sounds particularly great on headphones. It is an album for every occasion.
86. Birthday candles which don’t blow out
Amusing the first time, boring the second time, annoying on each subsequent occasion. The Rihanna album starts amazing and gets even more amazing with every listen.
87. Shazam
We like phoning Shazam in order to find out what songs DJs are playing on the radio, but Shazam has a habit of sending you annoying promotional text messages and the new Rihanna album does not, what with it being a series of musical tracks and therefore an item incapable of sending even the most simple of text messages.
88. Dialling Shazam and holding your phone up to Track Three on the new Rihanna album
The new Rihanna album is better than asking Shazam to identify Track Three on the new Rihanna album because Shazam can’t identify Track Three, whereas the actual album can identify Track Three because its name is written on the back. (It’s ‘Don’t Stop The Music’ FYI.)
89. Any Questions Answered
AQA is almost as good as Shazam because it will give you the answer to literally any question you text to it, except we only remember it exists when we don’t have anything we need to know, which is annoying. The new Rihanna album is not annoying.
90. Texting Any Questions Answered to ask ‘What is the new Rihanna album better than?’ and receiving the answer “the new rihanna album is better than 1 of those 1970s Top Of The Pops albums of anonymous cover versions, but not as good as Tubby Hayes’ ‘100% Proof’.”
That is the actual answer AQA sent us back. Amazing as it is, it is not as amazing as the new Rihanna album, for reasons mentioned elsewhere on this page.
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1. All jewellery
Jewellery is only ever one of two things: expensive or shit. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ is more than two things, and none of those things is ‘shit’.
92. Lampshades
This one speaks for itself, quite frankly.
93. Rollerblading cleaning ladies
The nice lady who cleans up the mess we make at PJ Towers rollerblades to the office but takes her rollerblades off when it comes to doing the actual cleaning. If the Rihanna album was a cleaning lady – we hasten to add that it is NOT – it would not only rollerblade to work but it would also do ALL the Hoovering in the rollerblades and would even have a go at emptying the bins in the blades too. It would try that little bit harder.
94. Coats
NB: The new Rihanna album is not better than jackets, the greatest garment of all time. If you are still reading this idiotic list you are fucking mental.
95. Ludicrously shoehorned systems of grading albums based on the ‘ella ella ella’ bit in ‘Umbrella’ and a small picture of three Ella Fitzgeralds
Although if we were to award ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ some Ella-Ella-Ellas out of ten, it would look like this:
96. Setting fire to the Cutty Sark ‘for a laugh’
Yes, everyone enjoys torching 19th century vessels, but the Rihanna album won’t get you in trouble.
97. Realising the pub you are in does not actually shut at 11pm and will in fact continue serving booze for ANOTHER WHOLE HOUR during which time you will triumphantly ‘move on to shorts’ under the mistaken belief that this will prevent you getting more drunk which is ridiculous anyway because the whole point of going out in the first place was to drink yourself into oblivion
Unlike ‘Shut Up And Drive’ on the new Rihanna album, moments like the one mentioned above do not end with a police siren and the sound of a car crash. Well, not always.
98. Sky+ and any other ‘PVR’ devices
You won’t sit down at the weekend looking forward to catching up on the week’s televisual highlights only to discover that the new Rihanna album has chosen, completely of its own accord, to video eighty hours of Snooker. ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ would only record EXCITING and AMAZING television, all of which it would obviously be better than, but you would still have something to watch.
99. Converse boots
The new Rihanna album will not make a complete mess of the heels on every pair of socks you own.
100. Bacon sandwiches
Actually this one’s not definite. Bacon sandwiches are pretty tasty.
The Rihanna album: it’s quite good.